On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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