i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
