On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
