I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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