I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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