Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
