Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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