Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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