Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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