Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Come see our sink grown plant.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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