you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
