you inspire me to be a worse person
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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