I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
