I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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