it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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