update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
