he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
