Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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