I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
