i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.