She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
