I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
