It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
