Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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