Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize