the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
