My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
