she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
