New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
