you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
