I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
