How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
