I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
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Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
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My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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