I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
