I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
