She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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