kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
