I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
