Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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