I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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