Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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