You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
