It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
