Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
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It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
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He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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