Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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