Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
