you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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