I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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