Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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