Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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