Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
