i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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