Umm I'm too high to move.
I faked an abortion last night.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The uberlube is also flammable
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
