I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
