i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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