I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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