my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
